The Official AIRPOWER
"Am I A Raving Psychopath, Or What?"
Self-Test
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
We all harbor a certain amount of hostility and aggression within us. It is inevitable; a strain that stems back to our origins as Neanderthal creatures who hunted to survive, rarely bathed and practically never said either "please" or "thank you." When huge fanged beasts roamed the Earth freely and fire was a valuable enough commodity to kill for, not to mention bartering for, this hostility was an essential trait needed for everyday survival. In fact, many courses developed such as "How To Be A More Aggressive Neanderthal in just Five Days." In the modern world, however, clubbing someone over the head as hard as you can with a blunt piece of wood for no apparent reason is just exactly the sort of behavior that will have you banished from all the best dinner parties. Still, these aggressive urges remain inside us and need to be vented in one way or another if we are to remain psychologically well, and realizing this, the subconscious mind finds means through which to do so in our daily "acceptable" behavior.
Heavy metal music is one example. [editor’s note: Hardcore is also a method!] We listen to loud abrasive guitars and the violent lyrics as delivered through primal screams of some evolutionary throwback and are purged. Afterwards, we can work, shop, and play Trivial Pursuit without experiencing even the slightest desire to see someone’s pink, fleshy brain spray out of their shattered skull and splatter against a wall, then drip slowly to the floor while their body collapses like a fallen tree and blood spurts from their jugular vein with the rhythm of their dying heart until a large portion of the carpet is completely ruined. Still, there are dangers. As the Richard Ramirez "Night Stalker" case glaringly pointed out, too much heavy metal [editor’s note: HARDCORE TOO!!!] can have the opposite effect: It can actually drive reasonable young men to random violence. The question is, how much is too much? And at what point do people cross the line which separates the thrashers from the slashers?
The simple and tragic fact is that no-one knows. And worse still, none of the affected realize they have become psychotic until it is far too late! Sometimes it occurs to them while they are engaged in an extremely antisocial action such as dicing a victim and placing the portions in freezer-safe ziplock storage bags, but by then they usually don’t care. There is no one personality type that is especially at risk. The only connecting thread in the preliminary stages is an overwhelming obsession for heavy metal music [editor’s note: or hardcore.] If you enjoy hard rock more than the average person… well, first of all don’t panic, the chances are you are completely stable. If you find you listen to one especially violent song over and over again on your walkman while torturing the neighbors pets, you should consider it is a warning sign. It is an indication of brewing rage within yourself, and dwelling so much on the extremely violent imagery in such songs can cause you to believe that it is only through violence that you can ever be at peace with yourself, when in fact all you really need is a strong sedative.
To help you determine whether or not you’ve "Gone Mental," I have developed a simple evaluative test which you can take in the privacy of your own home. Follow the instructions in each section and circle the correct answers with a ball-point pen. Then, check your results with the chart at the end. If you were planning to use a severed finger, you can skip the test entirely and go right to the chart.
PART I: Multiple-Choice Questionnaire
Circle what you feel is the appropriate response to each question.
- Finish the rhyme: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you are so sweet, and I love _______."
- You
- Mom
- Chainsaws
- True or False: "Every human being has the absolute right to live until they die of natural causes, and stabbing via Ginsu knife is not a natural cause."
- True
- False
- Chainsaws
- Which answer to the following joke do you think is the funniest? "What’s black and white and red all over?"
- A newspaper
- A zebra with a sunburn
- Michael Jackson and Brooke Shields being run over by a lawn mower
- Complete the phrase. "A woman’s place is in the _________."
- Home
- Workforce
- Blender
- Sally is a woman, and all women are beautiful. Therefore Sally is _______.
- Beautiful
- A Woman
- The Antichrist who must be exterminated if the human race is to survive. I am humanity’s savior!!!
- Which of the following movies do you feel has the most misleading title?
- "Day of the Dead"
- "The Exterminator"
- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"
- "Places in the Heart"
- "I experience feelings of paranoia…."
- Never
- Sometimes
- Often
- If I tell you you’ll use the information to have me killed.
- For which do you have the most respect?
- Your parents
- The Law
- God
- The little voice inside my head that tells me to do things.
- Which of the following is not a definition of the word "co-ed?"
- Coeducational
- Male and female students together
- Open to both men and women
- A device used to sharpen and store knives
- All of the above
- If I tell you you’ll use the information to have me killed
- "At McDonald’s I especially like to order _________ ."
- A Quarter-Pounder
- A McD.L.T.
- An Egg McMuffin with hashbrowns
- People to lie down on the floor and put their hands behind their head
PART II: Circle An Item
Choose as many of the following statements with which you identify. You may circle as many as you like.
- "I love everything about life, and I could never harm so much as a hair on my fellow man’s head."
- "I am basically a well adjusted person, with perfectly normal fits of rage once in a while."
- "I often feel as though I can’t control my own actions."
- "If you had my problems, you’d slash people to ribbons too."
- "Just a few social victims at parties is nothing to worry about."
- "Everyone I kill in this world will become my slave for all eternity in the afterlife."
- "I am a Alien from space who must rid the Earth of people so that my fellow aliens can take over."
- "Blood, glorious blood, everywhere… a sea of death to swim in and cleanse myself… Helter Skelter! Sweet virgin pig cut to pieces! Rip out the throat of Time, smear god’s guts all over the wall! I love the smell of bile in the morning!!!"
- "Sally Field deserved both of her academy awards."
PART III: Multiple Choice
Choose one of the following subjects to write a short essay on. Don’t worry, you don’t have to write the essay; what’s important is which subject appeals to you.
- "Why I Love Rainbows and Smurfs"
- "Sharing and Cooperation: A Recipe for World Peace"
- "The Joy of Necrophilia"
ANSWERS:
While there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answers, there are ‘well’ and ‘sicko’ answers, and my test has been designed in such a way that you can tabulate your own results quickly and easily.
The problem is that if you are indeed psychotic even my simple system might be too intricate for you, and you could conceivably score your results inaccurately and incorrectly deem yourself to be perfectly fine. To prevent this, I must insist that you mail your test to this magazine for professional evaluation. Be sure to enclose a check made out to me or "CASH" for $100.00 to cover handling expenses. That may seem like a lot of money, but if you don’t pay it you’ll never know for sure whether you’re a walking time-bomb just waiting for the right moment to degenerate into a knife-wielding maniac bent on carving your way into history. Have a nice day.
Dr. Richard Day doesn’t live anyplace, and he doesn’t have a wife, children, parents, or even pets for that matter. Furthermore, he has mystical powers, and if you ever get within ten miles of him you’ll be turned into ash instantly.