TORONTO (January 9, 1992) Prime Minister Brian Mulrooney shocked the world yesterday evening saying that "the political system that has held Canada together can no longer survive in these modern times." To a confused crowd of thousands he declared Canada is no longer a union and is allowing the former provinces to be free and individual states, thus disbanding Canada.
The first questions asked of Mulrooney during the press conference was why. "No longer can we expect a large body of people to have their interstate trade ruled by one body of government. [The Canadian government] have held these people with our political stranglehold far too long. We offered Quebec $7.5 million to secede a few years ago, however, they didn’t take it. We have also allowed the Northern Territories to act more as an independent nation. Finally, we never have had much control over Alberta anyway. We were considering dropping just those three, but then the entire nation would be split up thus making trade much more complicated. So the whole country was disbanded," stated Mulrooney while wearing a floral tie.
Political theorists have already begun to make theories as to the result of this movement. "Quebec is going to be a genuine democracy. However, they will complain about it anyway. I guess they’re used to it, though," says Hugh Fluffnery, editor of World Lens Magazine.
Others have stated that Newfoundland, the Prince Edward Islands, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick will join with America and become sovereignties. Saskatchewan and Manitoba have already made plans to unify. The proposed name of the joint provinces is "Saskatchewan’n’Manitoba."
David Fitzpatrick, editor of Interstate Commerce Weekly, believes British Columbia will become complete open to the United States and all border controls will be dismantled in an effort to increase commerce and tourism. He also believes Vancouver will be destroyed by radioactive ferrets.
Finally, the consensus among pundits is that Alberta has not noticed quite yet.
Americans and Canadians are extremely surprised at this unprecedented decision. "Boy, what will we call out neighbors to the north," asked one perceptive college student. "So, this means we have a good chance of becoming the second biggest country, right," asked the first college student’s friend. "What are the Toronto Maple Leafs going to be called, eh," quizzed a concerned hockey fan. "Will we really have to call it Saskatchewan’n’Manitoba," a frightened young lady asked. "If Quebec’s so hot on themselves being, like, French, you know, why don’t they just move back to France and leave Quebec for the, uh, other people who live up in Canada," a clever student asked.
Obviously, it is hard to come to terms with something like this happening.
"I think it was rather odd for Mulrooney to do this. I mean, if he didn’t like being Prime Minister of all of Canada, why didn’t he simply resign? This is a far cry from just Quebec seceding," stated Lord Douglas McAlverhnnery, Minister of National Holdings. "Canada had very few financial troubles, active trade with the US, and was usually forgotten when it came time for war. We had it made. Now this? Amazing."
Amazing is hardly the word to describe it.
(Written by Michael Hightower in 1992 for the Underground S-Censored, West Springfield High School’s leading underground paper.)