* * * * (4 out of 5 stars)
Pure Magic
R. Kelly, or "Kells", has stated innumerable times that Trapped In The Closet will be something for the ages–something that will be appreciated for "twenty years". Why he puts the limiter of twenty years on it, I can’t possibly fathom, but twenty years it is. I, for one, must agree with him.
Trapped In The Closet is the most peculiar and enjoyable musical experiment I’ve seen since Shock Treatment, or perhaps Streets of Fire. But where Shock Treatment was camp, and Streets of Fire was bombastic, Trapped In The Closet is absolute insanity.
In supposedly basing his story on "reality," we get a closer look into Kells’ psyche–and a scary look it is. In his opinion, it’s compeletely normal for people to pull out a gun at the slightest provocation (e.g., being offered pears too many times). Guns are also not all that dangerous (regard his head-scratching with his Beretta, and also the extremely bloody but ultimately immaterial wound his brother-in-law receives). Everyone in R. Kelly’s world cheats (even midgets).
What makes this so much fun is the extreme level of detail he provides. Conversations are sung almost verbatim as they may occur. Consider this exchange between R. and his wife: "Remember my friend Tina?" "Yeah, I think so, I might know her if I seen her." "Well she’s got this friend, Roxanne." "Who the hell is Roxanne?" "She’s friends with this dude Rufus, and he’s cool with Chuck." And it goes on and on. Another classic line: "He says yes, I say no, he says yes, I say no." Aw heck, another favorite: "I say ba-, she say Shuddup."
There is so much that’s bizarre about this. The unrated version is inexplicably intermittently censored, but rather than a beep sound, it’s R. Kelly going "doot" in tune with the music. For that matter, Kells also adds sound effects himself such as "brrriiing" for a telephone.
The story, such as it is, is a continuous re-iteration of the same theme. This works perfectly with the music, which is also a continuous re-iteration of the same song. Admittedly, the tune is quite enjoyable; somewhat of a surprise after listening to a bit of TP3 Reloaded.
But the story doesn’t really matter. It’s how R. Kelly tells this bizarre story that obviously has no ending that makes Trapped in the Closet "Trapped In The Closet." How do I know this? Because he tells us so in the commentary.
The commentary is a gem of self-aggrandizing self-love. In a clever bit of egotism, he is visible in a chair watching the movie, so it’s almost like we’re watching the movie with him. The problem is that that’s exactly what happens. He’s so enraptured by the film that he can barely pull his eyes away to give us commentary. And when he does, the commentary is usually explaining the story which is so simple as to be understandable to puppies. Either that, or he tells us what’s great about Trapped In The Closet. As another reviewer pointed out, did you know it rhymes? Did you know it has cliffhangers? And that the things that aren’t cliffhangers are actually cliffhangers in reverse? Occasionally, he is delightfully brought off-track by the presence of himself in the movie. Sentences peter out when he sees R. Kelly on the screen and he settles back into his chair blissfully.
I have to give him credit, though. I will certainly be enjoying Trapped In The Closet for not only twenty more years, but hopefully for the rest of my life. It’s up there with Plan 9, Star Crash, Starship Invasions, and Michael Jackson’s horrific Moonwalker as some of the classically bad entertainment ever made. And like all of those film greats, it brilliantly skirts unwatchable awfulness to become a completely and thoroughly enjoyable experience.
Note to R. Kelly: If you read this, and are writing more, please do not try to make this any sillier than it already is. Stick to your guns, and continue making Important Art. I fear that if you try to turn this into camp, you will lose the magic that makes Trapped In The Closet so completely wonderful. You are, indeed, da man.